Talking about things is how you get them out of your system and be okay with them right? It’s supposed to be how you settle them inside of your conscience.

It’s what we do in therapy, we talk about what’s happened. Hash it out. Rid ourselves of it.

It’s part of the reason I started this secret blog. I needed to talk about my past and all of the stuff I’ve done.

Why do I feel the need to air my dirty laundry? I don’t know. I’ve had this conversation several times with different people; when you come into a new relationship with someone, should you divulge all of your past relationships, even if, or especially if, many of them weren’t actually relationships? Should you tell the person you are possibly going to spend forever with, how many people you’ve been with and in what circumstances it was?

I always believed yes, I prided myself on being an open book. It makes me feel better when the person I am getting serious with, knows all my flaws. I would hate to think that the person I’m in a relationship with, sees me different than I truly am. And how can someone truly know you if they don’t know everything about you?

I think for me it’s my need to feel accepted, by him. Regardless of my past. You say you accept me and love me but how can you say that when you only know A, B and C and not my whole alphabet. Would the rest of the alphabet change your mind?

I should have never taken my best friend’s advice when I started this relationship. I asked her, do you think I should tell him everything/everyone I’ve done? She said absolutely not. It’s in the past. What does it matter?

And it wasn’t like I had done anything very wrong. There was really nothing to hide.

But I listened to her and I hid everything. Well to be fair, he said he wanted it that way too. He said it wasn’t necessary to divulge everything to each other. He preferred we just move forward and enjoy what we had.

But would he think differently of me if he knew? Maybe he wouldn’t love me. I’d honestly be okay with that. At least he’d know the real me. Not the version he’s made up in his head. And thus, the version I have to pretend to be.

Then again, he works or has worked with some of those guys that were nothing more to me than one night stands. So would it make it awkward for him if he knew?

I still think it’s better than not knowing.

But it’s been over ten years, my current relationship that’s built on possible falsehoods. It bugs me. I want to know.

Someone asked me why would I want to tell him all that stuff? I don’t know, I just think it would help me…help me be me, feel seen by him. The actual me. I don’t know if he knows the actual me.

I know it’s just sex but, it could change the way someone views you. Most definitely.

I used to think, oh maybe someday I’ll tell him. But when is someday?