I’ve mulled it over and over in my brain to try and make some sense of it. That period in my life when I was newly separated from my husband and single. Only a handful of people knew how I actually spent my spare time. It was like I led two different and completely separate lives.

One role was as a mom to my three kids, on the scheduled days they were to be with me. It was my favorite role. What I had always felt I was born to do, be a mom. I loved taking care of them, cooking what we wanted, doing whatever we wanted. No other adult to bounce ideas off of, just whatever I chose to do with our time. They had friends over a lot, sleepover after sleepover. We tried to make good use of our time. The park, the swimming pool, going out for supper. Those were the best days.

The days the kids were with their dad were the worst days. I worked as much as I could. Not just to fill the time, but also I needed the money. Unfortunately, it still left so many gaps in my schedule where I didn’t know how to just be. On my own. So lonely.

I wasn’t aching for the life I’d left behind but I was aching for my kids. I needed to be something to someone.

So that’s how the second life I led came to be, my other role. I needed something to fill that emptiness. A Saturday night out, some drinks, a man. It was the best fun. But also the worst of times. My lowest lows.

There was always a DM to reply to or a friend waiting for me to give the okay to set me up. Chance meetings out at the bar or during a game of rec ball.

Some I sought out too. Guys I figured might be good for something. Some way that they could fit into the gaps like puzzle pieces on a jigsaw puzzle. I was using them. I was in control.

As soon as I was done with them or they served their purpose, they were tossed out. They came from all walks of life, all ages, working in all kinds of different sectors. Some were married, most were not.

Was it really so wrong? Women’s lib would say you go girl…right? What was wrong with having many different male relationships? Did it make me a bad person? I didn’t place myself or my kids in danger. In fact, obviously, my kids knew nothing about any of these guys. I conducted my personal life on the days the kids were with their dad and I kept things very private. There was only a couple of occasions where I was actually out in public with any of these men.

My private life was private.

So why am I still talking about it?